Hey there...

So...hi...my name is Jes. I guess I should do the full introduction thing here. I am a 41 year old single mom to two wonderful, cuckoo bananas (yes I sang Gwen Stefani there) children. And let me just be blunt - I am struggling.

This blog and website of sorts is being brought to you by a recent conversation I had with my dad. I was crying and telling him about how much of a failure I feel like I am (yes logically speaking this is untrue - bad, bad intrusive thoughts - go away) but we all know how it is. When you are drowning even in what feels like the shallow end of the pool, the deep end just seems like the world is ending.

I have had to take a step back from just about everything in my life with the exception of motherhood because there is no real way to do that without actually walking away. Since that for me is never an option (no shame to the ones that can or have actually made the choice to) it is all that I have going for me. My kids are happy and thriving, even if maybe I yell too much for no real reason other than I don't know what else to do with the irritation bubbling up inside.

So that brings us to, what the actual f*ck do I do with myself when I am not being a mom? Work - uh only because I have to so, no. Go for a run? Hell nah - I did the military "fun runs" as they liked to call them and definitely not my thing. Not to mention I haven't actually worked out in at least 10 years and counting. Start another hobby that I will fully believe I can turn into a business? Hello undiagnosed ADHD...yes I paid for a domain, yes I also signed up to become a travel agent, take AI courses, become a freelance writer, content creator and sell courses, and successfully canceled my subscription to HotWorx after taking the free class and never returning even though I bought all the things...

My dad asked the all important slash most irritating question - "What's something you can do just for you?" Hell if I know. I haven't had a passion since it was stripped from me at 27 (I danced from the age of 3 and that world is just brutal). When you do something almost everyday for 24 years and then just walk away, it's hard to just pick something up and try something else. Especially when you join the military at 27, get married at 29, go through IVF to finally have kids at 33, end your toxic marriage at 34, struggle to find a career because you thought you'd be a SAHM, and then just...

Something for me, huh? Ok well... let's start a blog and document that journey because even though I see social media posts about "disappear for 6 months and come back stronger" doesn't work for me. I need some accountability. You too? Well lets figure this shit out together. Or not but maybe we will at least have some entertaining stories for it.

First thing for me...guitar lessons. One - we already own them. Two - I don't have to spend money on lessons (YouTube). Three - I can look like a fool in the comfort of my own home. Your turn - where are you starting? (suggestion - don't buy another course...it won't make you happy...)