What's your diagnosis?

I have dealth with my mental health probably since I was a little kid. I just didn't know that is what is was until I got older of course. But thanks to good ole' social media, I am now very familiar with the terms "masking", "generational trauma" and now "bipolar".

I was first diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 18. My dad read my diary because I was sleeping too much, no real appetitie and of course that obstinant teeage attitude. He read about my desire to attempt to "unalive" myself. On homecoming night senior year he confronted me. My response was to find a friend I knew I could get in the most trouble with and go out. We ended up in Deep Ellum and closed down the clubs - drunk as skunks.

My mom had no idea that my father and I had had it out. She was beside herself because I had never stayed out all night, I hadn't answered my phone and she didn't know that he had threatened to have me institutionalized if I didn't go to therapy. After about 3 hours of screaming at each other I finally relented - 3 appointments later, my first diagnosis.

I've had a few others since thins. Manic Depressive Disorder and now Bipolar. This is my first full year on medications. In some ways its the bet thing, to finanly have a diagnosis that maybe can provide some answers. In other ways it has completely wrecked my world. I haven't been able to move forward in any area of my life except to just tread water. Just enough laundry, enough food, enough happy smiles to keep my kids moving in the right direction and my head above water.

How do you cope?

I still haven't figured out what my one thing might be to help me. I know I need to be busy, like crazy busy that my whole brain is occupied. But that is taking longer than I would like. Completely impatient along with no impulse control is going to be a long road to recovery. And what even is that word...recovery...stability maybe? success? is that it?

Ok time to tackle at least one of 1000 things staring at me that needs my attention.

Laundry is going, blog post crapily written, and next...